My Purpose....right now....

I love my life. I love the people in my life. I love the people who allow me to be me...in their life.

My purpose is to make you laugh when you've had a rough day.
To listen to you when you need to vent.
To give you advice when you ask.
To cheer you up when you are sad.
To motivate you when you say you can't do it.
To inspire you when you lose hope.
To support you when you've made a decision.
To be honest.
To love you.


But ultimately...my purpose, right now... is to make sure I am happy FIRST. People, it's okay to be selfish. Take care of number 1...you! Then when that's taken care of...spread the love :) Be there for those who you love and care for.

xoxo. Love you all! Have a great week!

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." ~Dr. Seuss

A Woman...

At callback auditions last night…some were asked, “What it means to be a woman…”

I wrote:

I cry in the shower over absolutely nothing.
When my heart is broken, my world is dead.
When I’m in pain, I need you to take care of me.
I’m an emotional being…
Hold me,
Rock me,
Let me be.
Just love me for ME.

------

Yes, women are emotional creatures. We're strong...but we're emotional. Some express their emotions out load...some remain silent. We deserve to be taken care of. We're not like this ALL the time. Promise. :) But when we have these moments...just take care of us...that's all we want. A back rub...a simple "I love you." A hug. And maaaaaybe...just maybe...a bubble bath :P

xoxo

Distant Memory

I wasn't trying to make you feel guilty. I wasn't trying to make you feel bad. I shared with you the truth.

The truth is...letting me go was the best thing.

Please know that we shared a great thing. I know you know that. And I know that. We had a relationship that no other person could define... but ONLY us. You made me...I made you...now let's go our separate ways. Know that I'll be just fine. Promise.

What we had will never be replaced. I do not intend on replacing you.

It's time for you to become a distant memory. A good memory. When the time is right...we'll be friends. But right now, you'll remain a memory. My memory.

I love you.

A Better Place...

I got too comfortable with you. Lived a life that was not me. You are lazy, confused and don't know what love is. I was blinded. You told me things I wanted to hear. Not things that were true. You gave me several reasons to let you go in the beginning but I was blinded. You hurt me. And now I'm a better person.

That was not me. Will never be me.

You checked out on me while holding on to me. You let me dangle on a rope as you thought of others. When you were with me...you were really not with me. When I waited for you, you let me wait. You turned me into your obligation. You let me LOVE you with all of ME while you absorbed it all in and shit it right out. Who are you?

You know what the best part about all of this is? I am the one in a better place now.

I'm the one who will find such a greater love. I will be with a man who will respect me. Who will not make me wait for him. Who will be honest to me. Who will love me with honesty...with truth. I will find a man who will grow old and mature with me. Who will NOT hurt me. Who will take care of me. A man who will be... a MAN. My man.

Happy...

Readers, friends and family...

I am genuinely happy right now. I woke up this morning feeling me again. There's nothing more to say. I AM ME :)

Hey life, are you ready to have me back in YOUR life!?

xoxo

I am...

I am timid
And I am oversensitive
I am a lioness
I am tired and defensive
You take me in your arms
And I fold into you
I have insecurities
You show me I am beautiful

Love me or leave me just take it or leave it
It's not that I'm needy just need you to see me
Take me, free me, see through to the core of me
Take me, free me, there will be no more pretending

I am temperamental
And I have imperfections
And I am emotional
I am unpredictable
I am naked
I am vulnerable
I am a woman

I am opening up to you

Love me or leave me, just take it or leave it
It's not that I'm needy, just need you to see me
Take me, free me, see through to the core of me
Take me, free me, there will be no more pretending

Now I stand before you with my heart in my hands
I'm asking you to take me just the way that I am

Please lay down your arms
Do you know me?
Make me feel safe from harm

Oh just take me, free me, see through to the core of me
Take me, free me, there will be no more pretending

I am temperamental
And I have imperfections
And I am emotional
There'll be no more pretending

Holding on to what I can't have

Eventually...I had to let go. I was holding on to you. I was not giving myself a fair chance to move on. As much as I didn't want to. I had to.

As much as I don't want to be...I am angry.

Sorry friends, for this emotional entry.

Here's the thing, I wasn't being fair to myself. I was holding in the anger because I didn't want to hurt him. But the truth is...I am so HURT. There are many reasons why. But I choose not to share them.

I messaged him yesterday. I told him that I had to let him go - completely. That I was holding on to what I can't have. And that was the reason why I am still, in so much pain. I was trying to be friends with him too early. I asked that he let me know once he read the message...but I haven't heard back. Which is fine. There is nothing else to say.

The 7 steps to grieving...hmmmm are these suppose to occur in the order listed below? I swear that I have been all over the place in this grieving process.

1) shock and denial, an attempt to avoid pain by denying the loss;
2) pain and guilt, a period of devastating pain and feelings that life is chaotic;
3) anger and bargaining, including emotional outbursts that can permanently damage relationships and attempts to bargain with a higher power for relief from the emotional pain;
4) depression and loneliness, or a period of reflection during which the person realizes the full impact of the loss;
5) upward turn, when the person begins to adjust to the loss;
6) reconstruction of life without the loved one; and
7) acceptance and hope. Acceptance does not imply happiness. Instead, the grieving person can now reminisce about the loved one with sadness, but without intense emotional pain.

As angry as I am...I still love the man. But, letting go and walking away from what we had...is what I need to do. It's not what I want to do...but it's what I NEED to do.

I love you.

According to the Stats

I've been reading about the GRE, every time I read it, I get so anxious. *deep breaths* I just have to take deep breaths. My original plan was to wait for the GRE revised 2011 study guide to come out this December. Then just study for the new exam and take it in August. BUT, this is what I read below (copy pasted from the GRE official website):

Students definitely applying to grad school should take the test now, before it changes. First, test scores are good for five years, so your score on the current GRE will be acceptable for admissions. Second, August 2011 test-takers will have to wait for their scores (on a temporary basis as the new GRE is rolled out), while earlier test-takers get their scores immediately. Finally, the trend over the years is that scores tend to go down after a test change. The last time the GRE went through a major change was in 2002, when the Analytical Ability section was dropped and replaced with an Analytical Writing section. Scores dropped 7 points the following year, and continued to decline for the next five years. Similarly MCAT scores went down after that test became computerized in 2007, and SAT scores went down after a Writing section was added in 2005.

So friends, what does that mean? I will be scheduling a test date for sometime in May or June (so that I have a deadline for myself). Then I will study my butt off! Actually, maybe I will schedule it for either April or May. I have plans to travel to Europe next summer, so I need to do it before I leave.

One step at a time. GRE first.

On another note: it's nice to know that you are all reading my blogs :)

Looks like my readers are more interested in my "break-up/heartache/be strong" entries. According to the stats, the most read blog is "Customer Service Call to Relationship Counselor."

Since the day I wrote that entry...my feelings have been fluctuating. I'd say that yesterday (Friday, 2 weeks in to the break-up), was the hardest. There are moments when I am comfortable with the situation. I'll wake up in the morning understanding that this IS what's best for us. But then, there are many moments when I reflect on what was said the last time I saw him...on Sunday, October 2nd.

He said, "I'm not looking to replace you. I don't WANT to replace you. I DO want us to be together in the end. But it's not fair for me to ask you to wait. In a way I kind of wish I can keep you while I do my thing."

You can never take back words once they have been said. They will ALWAYS be remembered. Especially with me, I have a KILLER memory!

So, here I am...trying to balance out my emotions. I'm grieving and I'm remembering.
I'm crying and I'm caring. I'm angry and I'm getting by. I'm worrying and I'm moving forward.

When I found out that he was actively looking to date other women - wow. Thanks for shitting on my heart - moving on pretty fast. It's all good though, it just makes it easier for me to move on. I understand that everyone has to do what they have to do. And I understand that you have to fill those lonely nights. But people, be true to yourself. Seriously. As my good ol' friend Kyle Rush would always say, "DO YOU." So yes, "do you"...and I'll "do me." I consider myself a resilient woman. I have actually gone through worst situations.

As for me. I'm not ready to date. I'll know when I'm ready. I will. Last week I forced myself to create a Plentyoffish account (free online dating service). Yeah, I deleted it 2 days after creating it. It just didn't feel right. Aaaaaand, all the messages I'd get where from men that didn't fit my "interests." When I put on my profile that I am looking to date a man between the ages of 24-28...I MEAN IT! Ugh!

Right now, what I KNOW feels right...is to focus on my grad school plans. It feels sooooo right! BUT...I'm going to keep my options open as well.

I am still looking into Teach for America. Still debating if I should apply. I've spoken to 2 friends so far, who currently are in the program. I have a few more friends on the list to call. And I should be meeting with a recruiter next week.

Guys, I'm just looking for friendship right now. No dating, no hook-ups...none of that. It's time for Juliet to take care of Juliet. If you want to hang-out and talk grad school, TFA or anything other than dating...we can kick it ;)

Who wants to get together and study for the GRE? I'll make us dinner!!

xoxo

It seems like just...

...yesterday:

- We met at the Gypsy Den for our first date
- You left me a voicemail asking if I was your friend that was a girl...or a girl that was your friend
- I called you back and said that I was your girlfriend
- I discovered that you eat peanut butter with not just any cereal...but with Product 19
- We stayed up until 2am watching Netflix movies or tv shows
- I would wake up at every hour of the morning to find you beating your leg because you died on whatever level in the latest PS3 video game
- We were at my parents' house and you told me that you "really really really really liked me :)"
- I turned over to you, before getting ready for work and said for the first time..."I love you" and you told me, "I love you, too!"
- You planned the best 1 year surprise by taking me to the Laguna Culinary Arts for a date night cooking lesson
- You and I ran together to Irvine Lakes (you were the perfect running partner...pushing me to the end)
- We went geocaching while I was sick...but I rallied and stuck it out
- We discovered the $4 4-pack of yummy Madras Lentils from Costco
- We created tortizzas at 12am...and made the rule that we can eat in your room when we create a new snack
- You used the back of your index finger and wipe the little sweat bubbles off my nose or above my lip (then smile at me)
- We took a road trip to San Francisco together...and spent 2 days at the San Francisco Film Festival
- We went to the beautiful Sequoias with our friends for a summer camping trip
- We'd have movie nights with Grandmother
- I listened to you memorize your Info for the next tournament
- I got a text from you saying that you wished I was there to cuddle with you
- I held you when you where not feeling yourself
- We were both laying on the floor at the airport for our 3 our layover trying to get some zzz's before spending a memorable week in Maine (with dad and Linny)
- I would call you in the evening's just to tell you that I loved you...then let you get back to homework
- I packed my weekend clothes and drove to spend a weekend with you. The best part of my week was seeing you open that gate to let me in...you'd grab my weekend bag and kissed me and asked me how was the drive...then we'd have dinner with Grandmother...then go about our weekend :)
- we discovered each other's own weird little quirks that we appreciated and shared...and loved...our relationship was so different and it was just right...for us.
- we were together...and happy.

I will never EVER share any of these memories with another man. These are ours. If we end up back together...we can pick-up where we left off and enjoy a better and stronger life.

If not, remember what we shared. And remember that I'll always love you and your weird quirks :)

Now, maybe I should take advantage of these emotions I am feeling right now and write some songs...maybe I can come up with a hit that'll make me rich! ;)

Tried to reach deep but you couldn't get in ...

God that was strange to see you again
Introduced by a friend of a friend
Smiled and said 'yes I think we've met before'
In that instant it started to pour,
Captured a taxi despite all the rain
We drove in silence across point champlain
And all of the time you thought I was sad
I was trying to remember your name…

This scar is a fleck on my porcelain skin
Tried to reach deep but you couldn't get in
Now you're outside me
You see all the beauty
Repent all your sin

It's nothing but time and a face that you lose
I chose to feel it and you couldn't choose
I'll write you a postcard
I'll send you the news
From a house down the road from real love…

Live through this, and you won't look back…
Live through this, and you won't look back…
Live through this, and you won't look back…

There's one thing I want to say, so I'll be brave
You were what I wanted
I gave what I gave
I'm not sorry I met you
I'm not sorry it's over
I'm not sorry there's nothing to say

I'm not sorry there's nothing to say...

1 year, 2 years...5 years

Every single day I think about my future: where do I want to be in 1 year, 2 years...5 years...

If you've been keeping up with my blogs, you've read that I want to go to grad school...and that I am interested in Teach for America...(actually I dont think I have written about TFA). But yes, it has been on my mind.

A friend of mine shared with me a few months ago that there is a difference between "needing" and "wanting". Do I want to go to grad school or do I need to go to grad school? Do I want to apply for TFA or do I need to do it?

So, I know what I want to do with my life...but do I need to do these things? Or am i just being a drama queen right now and making things harder than it should be...I have a tendendcy to be that way :)

Hand downs...I will go to grad school. I receved an email back from SDSU's Director for Admissions for the M.A. Communication program. The program can be spanned out to a max of 7 years. Class times are offered either from 4-7pm or 7-10pm. Of course I do not plan on going for 7 years, but at least I know that I don't have to rush and can work while taking classes :). I'll need too, to help me pay for it. I'll have no help from my parents...which is understandable since they pretty much paid for all of my undergrad. They have my younger sis to take care of too.

After getting my masters I'd be able to teach at a community college...which I could see myself enjoying. SDSU has a GTA program which allows graduate students to teach Oral Communications while in the program...I would just have to apply for the program when I apply for admissions.

So, Teach for America...at first I was all gung-ho about it...but now I am having second thoughts. I will be meeting with a TFA rep next week to talk about the program. Maybe that meeting will help me decide if I should apply for the program.

I just need to relax. I should sit on these ideas for a few weeks. Can someone just throw me a chill pill? ;)

I love you guys! Thank you for listening (or reading...in this case).

xoxo

Where...

...do you get your current news from?

Hey folks...there are many news outlets. But, where do you get your news from? Just wondering. Some friends follow CNN on twitter, some watch TV...some go to specific websites.

And on the topic of current events, don't forget to read up on your propositions! Any thoughts or arguments against or for any of the 9 propositions? A little over 2 weeks until the California General Election.

I must say, the 1 thing I did enjoy with my previous, previous job (after college) was the fact that it forced me to stay in tuned with current politics. Not my area. It made me uncomfortable. But most of the time...it's those times when we force ourselves to be "uncomfortable" that help us grow to be a well rounded individual.

One of the MBA students, provided us with those motivational words...so I won't take credit for it. But it's true! Go out there...and put yourself in an uncomfortable situation.

La Vie en Rose

Those eyes that makes kisses with mine
A laugh that loses itself on his mouth
Here is the untouched up picture
Of the man who belongs to me

When he takes me in his arms,
He talks to me very softly
I see La Vie en Rose

He says to me words of love
These words everyday
And this does something to me

He entered in my heart
A part of happiness
Of which I know the cause

It's him for me. Me for him
In this life
He told me that, he swore it for life

And ever since I noticed that
I felt
My heart beating

Nights of love to no longer finishing
A great happiness takes its place
Sorrowful problems, phases,
Happy, happy until death

When he takes me in his arms,
He talks to me very softly
I see La Vie en Rose

He says to me words of love
These words everyday
And this does something to me

He entered in my heart
A part of happiness
Of which I know the cause

It's you for me, me for you
In this life
He said that to me, swore it for life

And ever since I noticed that
I felt
My heart beating

I'll cry when I want to...

and each day that I cry...after I look at myself in the mirror, before getting ready for my day or for bed...I fall more and more apart from YOU and fall more and more in love with me.

I look at my past, as a young girl, and remember all the physical, mental and verbal abuse that I've gone through...and I tell myself, "Look how far you've come. Look how strong you have grown. Feel how thick your skin has developed."

To every person who has physically, verbally and mentally hurt me... or broken my heart...thank you. Thank YOU for making me, ME. You are all my past. Most, I have let go. Some, I am working on letting go, and few, I am holding on to. If any of you are reading this, you know where you stand in my life. I have told you...at some point.


I have promising plans for myself. You ALL have contributed to my life story. A story that is currently in progress...

Goodnight Readers

I'm almost all cried out...



almost...

Customer Service Call to Relationship Counselor

Friends,

I'm doing okay. Really, I am. It's times like these that I REALLY AM thankful for the many things and people that I currently have in my healthy life.

Yes, I am still hurting. And I wish I knew how long this feeling would last. I kind of want it to leave...right now... :) that would be much appreciated. Like I told my mom and dad, "You raised me to be such a strong woman. But right now, I just have to cry it out."

To my friends and family reading this: you are all so great, and I know that it can get pretty old to read about the same thing over again. But, I am finding this to be a helpful tool in getting through the day.

This next part is about to get emotional. It might be kind of funny actually :) Depending on how you read it.


Yesterday morning (Sunday) I woke up around 6:30am to check my email. For some reason I got an email from match.com telling me that someone has "winked" at me. I totally cancelled my subscription 2 years ago. For those of you who don't know...James and I met on match.com. So anyways, I thought to myself, "well, it doesn't hurt to see who winked at me"...so, with match.com, you are able to sign-on anytime, even if you canceled or deactivated your profile. The last time I was on was about a year ago when I was doing research on how to submit success stories.

So, then I signed-in and found that I had 3 emails right away. Had to renew my subscription to read them...so I did. Read each one...no one of interest to me. Delete, delete and D-E-L-E-T-E, delete.

Gosh, hours went by, I kept receiving more winks and emails. I thought to myself..."No, you're not cute...no, too old....no, you're a smoker...No No NO NO!!!"

I fell on my bed and just cried. Why on earth am I doing this? I am not ready to be with anyone. Dammit, I don't want anyone else. I want him. People say that I'm going to feel like this for awhile and eventually...someday...it'll go away...that I'll begin to realize that there is someone better for me OR...that he and I will reunite.

"What do I do next?"I thought. I called the customer service line hoping that they were open on the weekends and yeah...I was wrong. So I waited to call this morning.

This is where it starts to get a little emotional and funny all at the same time...enjoy the dialogue :)

"Thank you for calling match.com customer service my name is Hugo, how may I assist you today?"

"Good morning Hugo. My name is Juliet Valdez and I really need to cancel my subscription and would like a full refund."

"Miss Valdez, may I call you Juliet?"

"Yes, you may."

"May I ask the reason why you would like to cancel?"

Then it all came out. In one breathe. He asked...and I told.

"Hugo, I have nothing against match.com. Infact I love match.com. I recommend your service to all of my friends searching for a partner. *Here came the tears* Through match, I was able to spend 2 amazing years with a great man. You introduced me to a man that has changed me for the better, that I have shared many great memories with. Who loved everything about me...and who let me be ME."

"Juliet, so you are canceling because you found your match? That is great!"

"Hugo, yes...I found him. But the timing of our relationship has challenged us. We are spending time apart to focus on our indivudual lives and kind of relying on fate and time to bring us back together. It's tough...I dont want this right now...but it's a battle I really can't fight."

"Juliet, please know that I am very sorry to hear about this. I know that it can be tough right now, but let time take its course."

"Hugo, my friend...I'm not looking for a relationship counselor...I'm just looking for my refund and no more emails from these guys I am not interested in. Sorry to put you in this awkward situation. I am not ready to move on. It was an irrational decision and I cannot do this. You asked for the reason why...I gave it to you (said with a little chuckle)."

"No worries, Juliet...I trust that everything will work out in the end...if he's for you...then you both will be together. You sound like a great woman and I can hear in your voice that you are a strong one too."

"Hugo, all I can say is if we get back together...match.com is going to have one heck of relationship success story...and I am calling you back to schedule our promotional commercial!"

"Juliet, we'll be waiting for that phone call. A full refund has been issued to your credit card and you will receive a confirmation email in a few seconds. Take care and best of luck to you and him."


That's it for now...hope you enjoyed today's blog! I have French class tonight. Wahoo!

xoxo

Grad School: You are a serious investment

Okay, so basically, the idea of me going to grad school and pursuing a M.A and Ph.D so that I can be a professor is a great plan.

But being in debt of over $30,000 does not sound great at all. If I can work full-time and pursue a M.A. and take out a few thousands in loans...I'll go for it. But if the program only allows me to be in school full-time...there is no way I can afford to pay for it on my own.

I'll have no help from my parents...it'll be me, myself and I. Okay...I need to put more thought into this plan. I need to think more realistically now.

Why!!!!!???!!!

*taking deep breaths*

Maybe there's another plan for me...maybe grad school is not in that plan. Let's do more research and see what else is out there for me.

I'm only 24...I have plenty of time to think about what's best for me.



xoxo to my friends who are actually reading these blogs :)

Lean on Me

Ultimately...you are my best friend :)



When you're ready..."call me...when you need a friend"


<3

I am testing out this function: text blogging! I can text my blogs :)

School #2

Shhhmokay - woke up early this morning and did more research on other MA programs. Illinois looks like a great state for a Ph.D...not for a masters. We'll see...

Let's not forget the plan: to apply to 3 MA Programs.

Cal State Fullerton offers an appealing MA in Speech Communication:http://communications.fullerton.edu/graduate/maspeech.html

As stated on the website:

The Master of Arts in Speech Communication is designed for students who have an interest in and background for the study of communication theory and process. The degree is designed to give students broad exposure to the discipline and, at the same time, allow them to specialize in one area (i.e., argumentation and persuasion, intercultural communication, interpersonal communication, organizational communication, rhetorical theory and criticism). The Master of Arts is an advanced degree and all students are expected to complete comprehensive examinations, or write a thesis or research project as part of completing their degrees. The objectives of the Masters program include improving students' academic and professional competence in speech communication, developing students' research capabilities, increasing students' knowledge in their chosen area of specialization, preparing students for advanced work toward the doctoral degree, and for those students planning teaching careers, to improve their teaching skills.

I'm all about the study of communication theory and process. And should I decide that I want to go the Ph.D route, the program will prepare me to work toward the doctoral degree. It also prepares students for a career in teaching!

So, It's safe to say that I am looking for a program that will allow me to study communication theory, prepare me for a Ph.D and provide me skills to become a college level teacher.

I love Cal State Fullerton!! But, since I earned my BA there, I'm a little hesitant. I'm very comfortable there. I learned from one of our great MBA students at Rady, that it's important to place yourself in uncomfortable situations. To step outside of your comfort zone and take risks. Well I knew that before...it was just re-confirmation.

School #2, CSUF...I'm considering you...but, I'll have to do more investigating on other MA programs :) You're not completely out of my radar.

An M.A. then.....Ph.D

Folks...did more research today.

I read bios and professional summaries on some of SDSU's graduate faculty - what an impressive crowd! Each professor received their Ph.D.: University of Florida, Drake University, SDSU, University of Illinois, just to name few. Each has contributed in literary works and has written between 3 books, to 3 articles, to 100 book chapters. Areas of research and teaching include nonverbal communication, relational communication, interpersonal communication, health communication, speech communication, argument theory, public argument, media criticism, persuasion, political communication, conflict, jealousy, infidelity, intimate violence, sexual coercion, stalking...the list goes on!

Their hobbies include: collecting wine, hiking, travelling, kayaking, playing the guitar.

For the past year I have been thinking about graduate school. I've always known that I wanted to go...but wasn't sure what I wanted to study. I was going back and forth - from student affairs to communications. What do the 2 have in common? Relationships. In student affairs, I create and maintain relationships with students. In communications I can study the communication patterns and theories of communication in relationships.

With communications I have the opportunity to learn and absorb everything there is about it. And share it with everyone. I am so eager to learn as much as I can about the different patterns and processes in communication: gender comm, relationship comm, health comm...so many!! It's so intriguing to me.

I want to become an expert in the field and give back and share with students as a professor. I love academe! I plan on applying to 3 graduate programs next year...1 of them being SDSU...I'm still conducting research on the other 2. Any recommendations? And of course...the rest of this year and early next year will be devoted to studying for the GRE :/

The end result: me gaining more knowledge of communications, discovering patterns, analyzing processes...then, me professing what I have learned and discovered to students who are as excited as I am about the subject (or not). It'll be me creating relationships with my students and providing them the communication tools to get through life.

My motivation: the end result.

Are you in?

Writing, Weekends and an Insect Bite

Not sure how many people are reading this thing. All I know is that every time I start feeling down...this is the first place I go to. I was never really good at expressing how I felt verbally. I get anxious and start stumbling over my words. So, writing seems to be the one thing that helps me. He's great at expressing his feelings, and I admire that. I admire anyone who can. That was one challenge that we faced in our relationship. But we respected each other for our differences and knew that we could always come to a compromise.

The weekends seem to be the hardest. It was our chance to see each other :) Which made the weekends extra special. Well I guess the hardest part about this situation is the TIMING. When 2 people KNOW that they want to end up with each other in the end...and the timing of the relationship forces both to have to be apart (if just for awhile)...it's unbearable. The feeling is unbearable. You have to let time take its course. You have no idea how long you'll be apart. You have to force yourself to not think about that person so that you can move on...but you don't want to...you don't want to because that person is the one person who makes you extremely happy and who has genuinely loved you (and you loved them back) no matter what the situation was...or is. That's the hardest part.

Short one today. I'm headed home to Barstow to see my family. I can't wait to see them!

And yes, I got bit by an insect while in Miami :( It's on my forearm...as round as a golf ball :(

<3

Back in Cali

After spending a short trip in the city of Miami I have learned two things about me.

The first thing: At the moment, I am fragile. Everything I do, say, see...pretty much makes me emotional. Which is fine...feeling this way is perfectly normal given the situation. A huge chunk...or well...my entire heart is with him. And that's okay...he's allowed to have it. At the moment...this is totally fine. And in fact...I'm holding on to him for awhile. He's a huge part of my life and always will. With time...I know that we'll both gain the strength to be 2 strong individuals.

This whole time I was telling myself that I was okay. That all I needed to do was go on this trip and let loose and leave all of my worries behind. But to be honest, my friends...that's not going to happen. This transition is going to be a major struggle. I need to stop trying to deny that everything is going to get better right now! I need to just live with what feelings I am feeling right now. I am allowed to be angry. I am allowed to still think of him. I'm allowed to be sad. I'm allowed to remember. I'm allowed to smile. I'm allowed to be happy. I'm allowed to mess up. I'm allowed to freakin' cry!

So for now...if I need to cry...I'm going to. I'm going to cry. Cause folks, after all of this...I'm going to be a stronger person. Hands down. I will be a stronger person.

The second thing I learned: http://communication.sdsu.edu/pages/applying.html

Why didn't I realize this earlier in life...or learn about this program? My love for communicating. The patterns of communicating...how the power of communicating enhances relationships. How it can help me become an agent of change. Good change. I can mix the passion of helping, guiding and providing students with the tools to be successful in school and life...I want a career in academe in the area of communications! Read below, from the SDSU Communcations website...or check out the link posted above:

Our M.A. program provides students with the choice of preparing for a career in academe or for developing their research and analytic skills for careers in corporate, nonprofit, and governmental organizations. Instruction is designed to help students discover, analyze, and demonstrate how communication processes are centrally important in creating, shaping, and interpreting quality communities. This program is driven by the close mentorship relationships between faculty and masters' students. Priority is given to the development of students' expertise and skills in each of the following areas:

-Mastery of knowledge and abilities in communication theory and practice.
-Completion of theses that prepare students to become change agents in the career paths they are pursuing.
-Collaboration in research and instructional teams.
-Participation in fieldwork in diverse settings relevant to the social issues being investigated.
-Presentation of scholarly papers at professional conferences.
-Co-authorship of research articles with faculty and other graduate students.

(One of the the best parts about this program)The School of Communication offers new and continuing graduate students the opportunity to teach undergraduate classes, primarily Communication 103 - an introductory course in oral communication.

So people, this will not be an easy thing to get into. We're looking at GRE Test Prep...personal statement, essays...the entire admissions process.

I'm ready for the challenge...when am I not ;)

Here are a few pictures from Miami:

No One's Gonna Love You...more than I do.

*taking deep breaths*

I'll have to take my time...but for now, I'm allowed to remember and miss you.

Realize

No One

What’s that tingly sensation in my tummy?

As most of you may know…James is in England. Studying abroad for 6 weeks. 3 weeks down – 3 more to go.

And as most of you can tell…I miss him very much. So, let me take this time to share with you – how James and Juliet met. If you’re feeling like a sappy romantic blog right now…read on :)

In early September of 2008 (4 months after graduating from CSUF and 4 months of working in the professional world) I decided, “Hey, I totally have a full-time job…I can TOTALLY afford membership to Match.com!” I gave myself 3 months. Little did I know…I would find him in less than 3 weeks!

At the time, I was living with my college girlfriends, Gina and Emma. Great ladies. Great times. Great “first apartment” experiences. The ladies can vouch for me - a typical evening consisted of: personal training session at 24 after work, fighting for parking for 30 minutes (at our apartment), come home for dinner, check my Match.com emails, then sleep.

In between checking my emails and sleep…I would share some matches with the ladies, read them some emails, and get their input :). It was like bed-time story time!

One evening, as I was searching through my match compatible list (which was automatically updated daily) and I came across an interesting headline (not exactly what it read, but very similar): “Looking for a lady to help me take over the world!” Now there was something dorkishly hot about that headline. Then I investigated a little more: has a love for music, volunteered for Americorps, and I cannot forget…interested in CURVY women. Haha. That was a bonus- as I don’t consider myself a slender gal…I like to say that I am voluptuous :D.

With no hesitation, I emailed him. It was a short 1 liner: “Hey, I enjoyed reading your profile and am interested in getting to know you more.” The next day, I received a response (sorry babe, I have to share it with everyone…you are too cute!) This was the email that started everything:

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Hi!

Thanks for the email. I always like to meet someone who is assertive. I'm eating sour gummy worms right now and I would totally give you one.

And I can honestly say that your profile brought a big smile to my face. I can tell you have the talking bug, so do I! Although I'm a bit shy around new people... get me going... oh boy.

I'd love to hear about your Public relations job. Speech and debating were the easiest As i had in college, but never seriously looked into a job in the PR business.

Have you ever been to the Bowers Museum in Santa Ana. My Grandmother is a member and I very recently went to the see the Terra Cotta Warriors made for the First Emperor of China. It was breathtaking, and would be a great reentry into museum visiting for you.

I've actually been to the Gypsy Den, and really liked the atmosphere! Funny Story about how I found it, but I'll save that for next time.

Hope this email wasn't too much information too soon. I get excited to meet a nice new person. (And an attractive one at that, am I allowed to say that?)

Nice to meet you,
James


ps - yes I'm interested in getting to know you... in case the email didn't speak for itself :)

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After 4 months into our relationship, I started cleaning up my email inbox and came across the message above. I forwarded it to James and he responded with, “Writing that email was one of the best decisions I've ever made!” :)

So, backing up to September 08’. After sharing that email with the ladies and sharing our “awwwws and how cutes,” I emailed him back (unfortunately, I don’t have that email…but I’m sure James has it…maybe he’ll share it with you all sometime). We emailed, instant messaged and texted each other frequently for about 4 days…then we eventually started talking over the phone in the evenings. It was nice :)

A few days later, he asked me if I was comfortable to meet him for a date…at the GYPSY DEN. Yes, I was ready. We met on a Thursday night around 8:30PM. Yes, friends…it was open mic night at the Den. It was the perfect night.

“What is that tingly sensation in my tummy?” that is the question that came across my mind every second, minute and hour of our date.

Towards the end of night, James decided to test out his skills. After sharing a serving of Crème brûlée, he scooted a little closer to me and whispered in my ear, “I’m not that great at making the first move, but I figured, if I TELL you what I’d like to do..then when I actually do it, it won’t be that bad…SO, I am going to move my chair a little closer to you and place my arm around you.” And so, he did as he said what he’d do. I love a man who follows through with his words :)

The rest is history <3

James, thank you for your love, support, friendship and patience. I can’t wait to see you. 3 more weeks!

Ratatattoo

In the fall of 2004, I started to think about getting a tattoo, but questioned the reasoning for getting one. Does it have to have a meaning? Should it symbolize a significant aspect or experience in my life? Can’t I just get one because I like the design? It is now 6 years later and I still want one.


Ok, don’t laugh…at first I wanted a butterfly…I am so glad I didn’t go through with it! Then I slowly became interested in dragonflies. Not sure why. Edgier than a butterfly? The over powering wings, slender but swift body. They live for only a day…but go through a long developing stage. Do they know that they live for only a day?!



Anyshoes – I knew that I wanted a dragonfly tattoo, but didn’t know where to get it or what kind of design I should go for. A few nights ago, I was surfing Google images: dragonfly tattoos. I came across an interesting piece – a dragonfly composed of musical notes and symbols:



Last Tuesday, July 13th, I decided to go to Chronic Tattoo in Pacific Beach to have one of the artist modify the piece to be a bit "classier". Less spacey and choppy looking...more classy. Dess was so kind to keep me company! The artist, Toney, came up with this:



I'm happy :)

Self-reflection

[noncount] : careful thought about your own behavior and beliefs : self-examination ▪ a moment of self-reflection

Yes, the good ol’ act of self-reflection. Is there a right way to do it – it shouldn’t be this exhausting…should it?

For the past week I found myself gutting the heck out of my mind, body and soul about what’s going on in my life: where’s my current job taking me? Do I want to make it my career? Am I settling to soon with what I have? Where I am in my current relationships: in love and in life? The list of questions go on...and on...and on...

Why am I a thinker? Why must I always have my life planned out? Why can't I just live each day for what it is and not overwhelm myself with all these thoughts? The answer: TIME.

I have to much free time. Here I go...I'm making a plan. I will fill my free time with filling out an application to take some class at a community college. I'd really like to learn a different language: Spanish, French, Japanese? ALL 3? Or I'd like to take a math course...the last time I've taken a math class was in 2005! MY work schedule makes it hard to take classes...I work 10am-6:30pm. Most evening classes begin between 6:3pm0 and 7:00pm. Most morning classes end between 10:30am and 11:15am. A very selected few fit my schedule :(

Anyways...this week I'll do more research on what I can take. If I can't find anything...I'll search for an internship...possibly in PR or event planning. I would really like to get back into this field. So fast and unpredictable. I love it. It made me step out of my comfort zone.

Well folks, that's all for now. I am getting ready to hit the road with the family. Leaving the bay aaaaaaaaareeeea!

Love love love,
Juliet