Holding on to what I can't have

Eventually...I had to let go. I was holding on to you. I was not giving myself a fair chance to move on. As much as I didn't want to. I had to.

As much as I don't want to be...I am angry.

Sorry friends, for this emotional entry.

Here's the thing, I wasn't being fair to myself. I was holding in the anger because I didn't want to hurt him. But the truth is...I am so HURT. There are many reasons why. But I choose not to share them.

I messaged him yesterday. I told him that I had to let him go - completely. That I was holding on to what I can't have. And that was the reason why I am still, in so much pain. I was trying to be friends with him too early. I asked that he let me know once he read the message...but I haven't heard back. Which is fine. There is nothing else to say.

The 7 steps to grieving...hmmmm are these suppose to occur in the order listed below? I swear that I have been all over the place in this grieving process.

1) shock and denial, an attempt to avoid pain by denying the loss;
2) pain and guilt, a period of devastating pain and feelings that life is chaotic;
3) anger and bargaining, including emotional outbursts that can permanently damage relationships and attempts to bargain with a higher power for relief from the emotional pain;
4) depression and loneliness, or a period of reflection during which the person realizes the full impact of the loss;
5) upward turn, when the person begins to adjust to the loss;
6) reconstruction of life without the loved one; and
7) acceptance and hope. Acceptance does not imply happiness. Instead, the grieving person can now reminisce about the loved one with sadness, but without intense emotional pain.

As angry as I am...I still love the man. But, letting go and walking away from what we had...is what I need to do. It's not what I want to do...but it's what I NEED to do.

I love you.